How balloons helped me fight seasonal depression and grief

Winters in Illinois, where I live, always feel so long. I’ve felt seasonal depression around this time for several years now. I suspect that the absence of sunshine and warmth affects my mood, energy, and anxiety.

When this seasonal depression is added to the grief I feel over the loss of my child, I don’t see light at the end of winter’s tunnel. Special occasions used to burst through to get me past the final months of the season, but recently, I haven’t felt any relief.

Coping with holidays

I’ve always loved celebrating holidays with my family. Valentine’s Day has always been a little special in that each family member has made or given presents to each one of the others. My husband, Bill, and I usually offer a gift signed by the both of us. Receiving my daughters’ adorable homemade Valentine’s cards had also been something I looked forward to.

Since my oldest daughter, Cammy, passed away from complications of Rett syndrome in December 2023, holidays have left a hole in my heart. Shopping for cute Valentine’s gifts and candy isn’t the same now, when I’m only shopping for one child. All the things that Cammy loved about Valentine’s Day — decorating her wheelchair, handing out cards to her classmates and staff, wearing red and pink clothes, getting cute balloons, reading adorable animal cards, and eating delicious chocolates — are now punches of grief.

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When I came home from work on Valentine’s Day to see the cards and gifts that I, Bill, and my younger daughter, Ryan, had placed on the kitchen island for each other, I was filled with happiness, but then immediate sadness. The emptiness settled in. I needed to do something for Cammy.

I ran back out to the store for a few heart balloons. We could send them up to Cammy, I thought.

Before the three of us opened our cards and gifts, we each chose a balloon. We wrote notes to Cammy, then went outside to send them up to her. My brain knows they won’t reach her, but my heart imagines her running to catch them.

I imagine her body is now free from all of the symptoms of Rett syndrome. She’s smiling and watching us send the balloons up to her, then she runs to my parents to hug them. Cammy is happy and free, but also knows we’re always with her. That thought puts a smile on my face. I’d never have thought that a few balloons could help me cope with winter blues and grief.

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