The stranger on the beach who performed an act of real charity
A man offered to help with my disabled daughter, and taught me something
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Practically every parent of a child with a visible disability has a story about the time someone looked crossways at the kid in the grocery store or made a thoughtless or downright hateful comment. This story is the opposite of those.
My wife, Donna, and I don’t take many trips with our daughter Abby, who is 29 and has Rett syndrome, because we’re in our senior years and it’s physically hard to load her and her supplies into the minivan or, worse, get them through an airport. But last July, we choked down the five-hour drive from our home in New Jersey to Cape Cod, Massachusetts, to meet up with Abby’s older sister and her family for a long weekend. And on a particularly lovely day, some of us, including Abby and me, went to Craigville Beach.
For Abby, one weird side effect of Rett syndrome is that she doesn’t sweat. Since sweating is the body’s way of cooling itself, that means she can log only an hour or two on a hot beach before it’s time to go. So, after a while, she and I left the others to their sand castles and began trudging the 50 yards or so to the paved parking lot.
Abby, unlike many with Rett syndrome, still walks, but unsteadily, and walking across sand is a particular challenge. I took my usual stance when we walk — on her left side, reaching across her shoulders to support her right side as well — and we set out on the slow slog.
We hadn’t gone far when a young man heading in the same direction noticed us and said, “Do you need help?”
My response came automatically. “No, we’re good,” I said.
And then the man did something remarkable: He completely ignored me. He gently gripped Abby under her right arm, leaving me to focus solely on her left, and together we zipped across the sand in record time. What would have taken Abby and me 10 minutes was accomplished in one or two. We reached the pavement and I barely got out a “Thank you so much” before the fellow disappeared into the crowd.
Learning from strangers
I’ve been pondering two things about that small incident ever since. One is my initial response when the man offered help. I wasn’t deflecting his offer out of an “I’m a guy; I don’t need help” obstinacy. I have just always been inclined, where Abby is concerned, to try not to impose on others the burdens that Rett syndrome has imposed on us. Maybe this is a flaw in my special-needs parenting. Maybe I should consider changing my knee-jerk response from “No, we’re good” to “Yes, we DO need help.”
The other thing that has stayed with me from that day at the beach is the way the gentleman overrode my “we’re good” and jumped right in to assist us. That’s the difference between fake charity and real charity.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I believe that a lot of the time when people offer assistance — “Can I help you?” or “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” — they don’t expect to be taken up on the offer. They’re making it because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do and it makes them feel virtuous. It’s like meeting someone and asking, “How are you?” The only acceptable response is, “Fine, how are you?” No one wants a five-minute discourse on your car trouble.
The man at the beach was, to me, a rare example of a person who really did want to help and who wouldn’t take no for an answer. See a need, fill the need.
I’m hoping I can be more like him in the future. We learn a lot from our special-needs children, but sometimes we also learn from how strangers respond to them.
Note: Rett Syndrome News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Rett Syndrome News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Rett syndrome.
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